The Birth Plan (Hers and His): Early Labor

Arrival at the Hospital

Her
The couple will wait as long as possible into early labor before coming to the hospital.

Him
Regardless of how the couple gets to the hospital, the father will come through the door carrying the mother, shouting, “Let’s do this!” or, “It’s GO time!” or something equally dramatic. The hospital will ensure that no less than five of the hospital’s most attractive nurses will be in the lobby when this happens. If the nurses are not there, the couple will reset and enter again.

Monitoring

Her
The mother will be hooked up to the baby monitor for as little time in excess of the required 20 minutes as possible.

Him
The father will be allowed to pull hilarious jokes with medical equipment, including but not limited to…

a) Asking “Is thing on?” into the doctor’s stethoscope during routine examinations.

b) Playing a speculum like a pair of spoons or pointing and shooting it like a gun.

c) Pretending to hit himself in the crotch with a rubber hammer to “test his penis’s reflexes”.

d) Holding up the intra-vaginal ultrasound wand, making big eyes, and saying, “At least take me out to dinner first,” in a “gay” voice.

Mobility

Her
The mother will be free to move around at will when she is not being monitored.

Him
The father will be free to start games of pick-up basketball in the hall, using the mother’s birth ball.

Ambience

Her
The lights will be dimmed and the mother will be able to play soft, calming music in the birthing room.

Him
If anything doofy like The Lumineers comes on, the Father will say “NOPE” loudly and immediately switch to “Generation” by Liturgy.

Her
The mother will not be given epidural or spinal anesthesia unless medically indicated and only after discussion with her physician.

Him
Upon arrival at the hospital, the father will be given epidural anesthesia, xanax, vicodin, Wild Turkey on the rocks, and a Shake Shack hamburger.