A Natural Birth

CHOO-CHOO! Here comes the unsolicited advice train!

If you think babies should be born in hospitals with the help of medical professionals, then stop reading right now and go choke on a rusty pair of forceps. Births should be conducted in the wild or in your shitty home by a woman named Moon, or Laila, or Queen Sage Postulate. And if she doesn’t have a facial piercing, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. Women have been giving birth in the wild for eons, like nature intended. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Andrew, did nature also intend us to hunt with spears and forage and have, like, a 60% infant mortality rate? And to that I say, “LALALALALALALA!” My fingers are in my ears as I’m screaming this. Can you tell? Because they are.

I once went to a hospital. Yes, I survived, thank you for asking. Now, please shut up. What I’m telling you is very important for you. You can tell by the tone and volume of my voice. Anyway, I went to a hospital once and do you know what they did? They tried to take my blood. I’m sorry, medical “professionals”, but do you know that humans need blood to live? Hello?! If that isn’t evidence that you should give birth in your own dirty bathroom or in a field with ticks (Hey! Ticks are a natural part of the birthing process. GET OVER IT.) then I don’t know what is.

Another thing that hospitals do is Caesarean births, or as I like to call them, “BASICALLY ASSAULT”. Medical “proFARTsionals” can huff and puff and say that it’s to “save the mother and the baby” but here’s the thing: if you aren’t able to have a baby the right way (head first, I think) then you have failed as a woman and mother and you and the baby deserve to die. I’m sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but I don’t make the rules. Nature makes the rules. Also, we should all poop in communal holes and get sick from very preventable diseases. That’s natural.

Here’s the thing about doctors: they just want your money. This science blog with a typo in the name that I read once said that 90% of med school is just sitting around lighting cigars with money earned from doing assault births. Whoops! I mean “caesarean” (NO I DON’T). The other 10% of med school is learning how to take your precious blood.

I’m sure you agree with me that whatever I think is the case about anything is exactly how everyone should conduct themselves, so let me give you some more advice:


Just follow my acronym, DUMPNARDS, and you’re guaranteed to have a safe, painless, natural birth. Listen up:

Dim the lights.
Use a doula, a midwife, a quarter wife, and a three-quarter wife. The birthing process is a competition. You need to have at least one more non-medical professional in the room than any of your friends had.
Make your husband or partner wear lipstick and a dress. This will increase the feminine energy in the room (or ideally, non-sterile wooded area).
Pelts. Drape yourself in animal pelts, preferably taken from feminist animalsĀ (cats, caribou, beavers, NOT badgers. Badgers are the mansplainers of the animal world) that have died of natural causes.
Never let them take your precious blood. Or your baby’s.
Ask Gaia, the earth mother, for a girl child. Boys are mostly perverts or doctors in training.
Rub essential oils on your perineum and on the perineum of anyone else in the room (or unsafe outdoor area) no matter how hard they resist. Rub essential oils on your baby’s perineum when it comes out and continue to do this until it is 18 years old or gains a legal emancipation from you.
Don’t let them take your goddamn blood!
Seriously, no badger pelts. Badgers are rapists.